Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
