Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
