Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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