mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
