M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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