i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
