ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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