Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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