a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
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