its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize