Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
