i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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