____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize