Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
