Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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