My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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