I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
this just has baby written all over it
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
