Whod you bang
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
