she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
