Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
