a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
