We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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