If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
