I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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