They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
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