I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
