is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
