I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
