I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
