Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
