I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
