saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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