i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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