Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
