Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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