there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
