A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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