Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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