DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
