I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
