so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
