In the future we'll all be gay
i wish my penis had a tongue
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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