You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
