I need help removing her.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
