I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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