The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just forgot I was standing up.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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