I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
