i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
