They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Randomize
