Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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