I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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