Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
then he tried to convert me to islam
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
