i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
