I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
