1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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