dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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