Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
