dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I want her autograph on my taint
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
