I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
