So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize